I was at a crossroads. I had to make a choice. Was I going to let everything in the world weigh me down or would I work at becoming the person I wanted to be?
I chose to work at becoming the person I wanted to be. I’m still working on it to this day. I wake up every morning and am still faced with the same choice – let the world win or continue to fight? It’s scary. But I choose myself. I choose myself every single day. I try to make good choices and I think I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a struggle.
Because getting healthy isn’t just about working out and eating healthy. For me, it’s a bigger issue than that. It’s about taking complete control over my life. I’ve had health insurance for a couple years now, and while I go to see the eye doctor yearly and I go to see the dentist twice a year, I have yet to make it to the doctor.
It’s scary to me and it’s not something I talk about publicly. However, since I’ve started this blog, I’ve made it my goal to talk about everything. Even the things that scare me.
Let me ask you something – do you want control or not? – Jody
My friend and I were talking about doctors and how I was scared when she point blank asked me that. I didn’t even hesitate. I want control. I want to know what is going on with my body. I want to know if there’s anything I should or should not be doing. I’ve taken the first steps to becoming the person I want to be. I’m eating better. I’m exercising. I’m trying to not follow the footsteps left by family members in regards to health. I know that health problems run on both sides of my family. I know that my dad had a lot of problems with his heart. But I don’t know the full story. There isn’t anyone to ask either. If I want to know, I have to take the first step to find out. It’s the only way I’ll ever know.
Taking the next step to see a doctor is scary. It’s scares me to think of what might be wrong. Not that I think anything is wrong, but the sheer thought that something could be wrong is enough to keep me up at night. Regardless that I know that God is in control, it still scares me because I don’t know anything about my family health history. I have bits and pieces of information, but nothing real solid.
For a long time, I made the same statement whenever questioned about my health “with God in control, I have nothing to worry about” and I still believe that is true. I trust God in every aspect of my life, so naturally I trust Him where my health is concerned. However, there is a difference between trusting God and being irresponsible with my health.
I have been irresponsible with it for a long time. Too long. I’m taking control of my health, my life, my wellbeing. It’s all part of learning to love my body. If I’m responsible with how I treat it, it will help me in my journey to loving it. I need to treat it well.
I also understand that I am fortunate to be able to do something about it. I’ve had health insurance for several years and never taken advantage of going to the doctor. I know a lot of people aren’t that fortunate. I’ve made the choice to not go when that isn’t even a choice for some people. I can take control over every aspect of my life.
I’ve always felt not knowing what just easier. It’s easier to not know than to know. If I don’t know, it can’t hurt me. But in not knowing, I’ve been giving up my control. For a young adult who longed to have control for so long, I willingly gave it up to fear.
I’m still scared. I would be lying if I said the thought of the doctor didn’t scare me to my core. But I know I don’t want to follow in my dad’s footsteps and die when I’m young. I have a lot of things left to do and God willing, I’ll be around to do them all.
Taking control is loving my body. Letting fear control my decisions is not loving my body. I want my body to love me just as much as I’m trying every day to love it. I’m still going through the ups and downs, but I know I’ll thank myself if I continue to focus on it. It’s a struggle though – a struggle between what scares me and what is best for me. I try to live fearlessly, but sometimes fear wins the battle. Fear just can’t win the war – if fear wins the war, I give fear control and I will continue to fight to never lose control – even when I’m scared.
I’m learning to love my body by taking control. Taking control in all aspects – even the ones that scare me. There’s still so much more to learn on this journey of learning to love my body.
To be continued…