I’ve been quiet over the last couple months. It happens from time to time. Words continue to fill my head, yet, I struggle to put them into sentences, paragraphs, and blogs.
I’ve been doing some soul searching lately. I’ve always had a pretty good idea of why I do the things I do – I just have a hard time admitting to most people how I’m feeling. I want to be seen as a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I’ve worked my whole life trying to prove that I could to anything – I could survive. Yet, I tend to keep so many feelings hidden from the world. Honestly, I question my decision to share those feelings here. However, when I started this blog, I promised myself to always share my feelings openly and honestly – this was going to be my space and a small glimace into my world. Maybe someone would stumble across it one day and realize they aren’t as alone as I feel some days.
When I originally started the series “Learning to Love My Body” it was about my quest to get healthy and how loving my body meant more than just eating right, exercising, and going to the doctor for checkups. It was about all the different aspects of learning to love oneself. Overtime I’ve come to realize that those blogs aren’t just about learning to love my body – they’re about learning to love myself.
Learning to love my body was easier to admit to than learning to love myself. People have all sorts of “problems” with their bodies that aren’t problems. They’re differences that make each of us unique. Learning to love myself almost makes it sound like I don’t like myself – I do! But it’s about learning how to love myself. It’s about admitting that sometimes I need to take time for me, and I should never feel guilty for doing so. It’s about figuring out what I want and doing it – even when it scares me.
Learning to love myself means being honest with myself. Not just about the things I don’t want to do, but about why I don’t want to do them. What’s holding me back? Do I genuinely not like the thing I’ve said no to? Am I scared? Is something hurting me? Loving myself is being honest with myself. It’s about taking baby steps to get me to where I want to be – not just health wise by eating right and going to the gym – but whole health wise by taking time to see the people I love and not being scared to step outside my comfort zone. I could be missing out on the greatest experience of my life and I don’t even know it.
However, I understand I’m scared to try new things. Sometimes the past has a way of haunting us. We can put on a fantastic act for all the world to see, but something inside could be eating us alive. We don’t know how to express our feelings and then we feel embarrassed for having those feelings.
It’s important to recognize that feelings are uniquely our own. No one can tell you how to feel and no one has a right to make you feel guilty for the way you feel. It’s embarrassing asking for help in certain situations – I understand that. It’s hard to put yourself out there and attend that Sunday School class or join that kickboxing class you’ve had your eye on. It’s harder to think about life passing you by while you’re sidelined. It’s about learning to focus on what you can do in the next 24 hours to get you where you want to go – wherever that may be. The rest will fall into place and if it doesn’t fall the way you think, perhaps it was never meant to be. Learning to love myself is about taking care of every aspect of my well being.