Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

“Just tell me when it’ll all be worth it,” her eyes were begging to know. 

“I can’t tell you when.”

“Why? Why can’t you tell me when? You want me to take this giant leap of faith but you won’t tell me when it’ll pay off! Can’t you see how scared I am? I need to know!” she declared, tears streaming down her face. 

“You have to trust that it’ll all work out.”

“I can’t do that! I don’t know how. You don’t have to give me an exact date – just give me a year or tell me how old I’ll be when it finally pays off.”

“But then you’ll spend all your time waiting and you won’t ever do the things that will get you there.”

Tears streamed down her face. “Will you tell me about the moment I will know it has paid off then?”

“There will be a couple moments when you know it has paid off. The first is when you run that mile without stopping and you finally look in the mirror and are happy with what you see.”

“How do you know I’m unhappy?”

“It’s written all over your face. You think you hide it so well. You don’t hide it from me.”

“Okay – so I’ll be happy when I finally run a mile. Is that it?”

“No. There’s a few other moments that you long for but are scared will never happen.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked as she fought the urge to run and hide. 

“It’ll be worth it when you realize you’ve found your soulmate – the person who understands you and loves you just as you are. The first time you kiss, it’ll be like nothing you’ve ever experienced. When he wraps his arms around you, you’ll feel safe. You will talk about where you want to live and all the things you want to do and how you want to raise your children – and you’ll believe him. The day he asks you to be his wife – gosh – you’ll realize all the dreams you held onto for so long are finally coming true. Oh you’ll be scared – scared it’ll all fall apart – but the love the two of you share will see you through. You won’t plan a big wedding – you’ll probably elope. You’ll settle down into a nice house with a little bit of land and you’ll live a great life.”

“That’s it? But what about…” tears came to her eyes again as she thought about her greatest wish. She was so scared it may never come true. 

“What about children? You can say it. It’s your greatest wish and your fear. You want it more than anything but you’re scared to want it. You’re so scared it may never happen and that is your greatest fear. You’re scared that you’ll have held onto this dream forever and then it won’t come true. You’ve promised yourself since you were a little girl that your children would be raised differently than you, but you’re scared you won’t ever get that chance. You’re so scared that you’ll disregard the symptoms until you visit the doctor. That’s when you’ll probably find out you’re pregnant. In that moment, you’ll start to realize that it was all worth it. You’ll be so incredibly happy. When you see your baby on the ultrasound for the first time and feel your baby kick – you’ll know it was worth it. But the day of your firstborn’s birth, that’s when it will all finally sink in. On that day, you’ll realize that it was all worth it – the painful childhood, losing your dad, losing yourself and struggling for years to find yourself once more, throwing caution to the wind and not letting your fears dictate your life, going on that date with your future husband and realizing he was the one, getting married, buying a house, and admitting to yourself that you wanted all of it. When you look down at your child, you’ll realize that it was all worth it – all of it – and you’d do it all over again to end up in that moment once more.”

“Promise?” she asked barely above a whisper as the tears flowed unchecked down her face. She looked at the ground, to scared to look up. 

A hand reached down and lifted her head. “I promise, but it all starts with you.”

She nodded her head. “I’m trying. I promise I’m trying. I’m just so darn scared.”

“But you can’t let fear run your life. I know you’re scared. I know how much it hurts. I know that your mind is telling you everything that could go wrong. Have faith.”

She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.

“It’s okay to cry. You’ve earned every single one of those tears. Just remember that it starts with you and it’ll work out – I promise.”

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