It’s perhaps one of my most commonly used phrases.
I’m trying to be a good person…
To clarify, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I normally find myself using that phrase to remind myself of why I’m doing something – even if it’s not necessarily what I want to do. Sometimes I do things simply because they are the right thing to do. You hurt me and I still find it in my heart to help – why? Because I want to set an example. I want to be the bigger person. I want to make it clear – you know, you hurt me, so you’re going to sweat for a few days and maybe I’ll help and maybe I won’t, but if I decide to, it’s not because I forgot what you did – I did because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what good people do. Good people help out even if they don’t want to – because it’s right. It’s never okay to punish another person for the actions of someone else, so sometimes it’s about setting aside the hurt feelings and doing what is right – despite your feelings on the situation.
I feel I’ve been placed in this situation a lot lately – and I’ve reacted differently each time. One time I stuck to my intuition and continued to say no. Another, my intuition told me to help – so I did. The important thing is that I never ignore my intuition – and I’m still learning that. It’s taken me years to admit when I need time to get away from everything and I’m slowly learning to find that balance between what I need and want and helping others. I’ll probably struggle to find the balance for the right of time – and that’s okay. I’m a good person who wants to help and sometimes has a hard time taking time for herself – I’ll learning.
At times I also think it’s a way to remind myself of why I’m doing something. I spent years feeling like a bad person based solely on my upbringing and the hidden secret of what home life was really like. I never truly felt like a good person during those years. I felt like I was always hiding and was secretly a bad person who was only good when I was around the public. Of course – I now know that this is silly – I was never a bad person – I was a person in a difficult situation.
We learn. We grow. We aim to be good person who also don’t neglect ourselves. It’s a learning process. In my case – a slow learning process. But I’m getting better. And I’ll continue to get better.