Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

“What’s this?” he said as he held up the plain black journal.

“It’s a gift for you…for us. Open it up…read it…” she said as he stared back at her.

He opened the journal and read silently, the words of his soulmate filled the pages.

“It’s beautiful,” he replied as he closed it.

“I’ve always wanted to share a journal with someone,” she began to explain. “If you want,  I thought it would be nice to write letters back and forth. Leave it for each other to find – anywhere you want. It’s okay if you don’t want to, I’ll keep writing, but I thought this was a good way to share my passion with you.”

He reached out for her hand, pulling her close.

“I love it. It’s a great idea. I can’t wait to write to you.”

She leaned in for a kiss.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

“Just tell me when it’ll all be worth it,” her eyes were begging to know. 

“I can’t tell you when.”

“Why? Why can’t you tell me when? You want me to take this giant leap of faith but you won’t tell me when it’ll pay off! Can’t you see how scared I am? I need to know!” she declared, tears streaming down her face. 

“You have to trust that it’ll all work out.”

“I can’t do that! I don’t know how. You don’t have to give me an exact date – just give me a year or tell me how old I’ll be when it finally pays off.”

“But then you’ll spend all your time waiting and you won’t ever do the things that will get you there.”

Tears streamed down her face. “Will you tell me about the moment I will know it has paid off then?”

“There will be a couple moments when you know it has paid off. The first is when you run that mile without stopping and you finally look in the mirror and are happy with what you see.”

“How do you know I’m unhappy?”

“It’s written all over your face. You think you hide it so well. You don’t hide it from me.”

“Okay – so I’ll be happy when I finally run a mile. Is that it?”

“No. There’s a few other moments that you long for but are scared will never happen.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked as she fought the urge to run and hide. 

“It’ll be worth it when you realize you’ve found your soulmate – the person who understands you and loves you just as you are. The first time you kiss, it’ll be like nothing you’ve ever experienced. When he wraps his arms around you, you’ll feel safe. You will talk about where you want to live and all the things you want to do and how you want to raise your children – and you’ll believe him. The day he asks you to be his wife – gosh – you’ll realize all the dreams you held onto for so long are finally coming true. Oh you’ll be scared – scared it’ll all fall apart – but the love the two of you share will see you through. You won’t plan a big wedding – you’ll probably elope. You’ll settle down into a nice house with a little bit of land and you’ll live a great life.”

“That’s it? But what about…” tears came to her eyes again as she thought about her greatest wish. She was so scared it may never come true. 

“What about children? You can say it. It’s your greatest wish and your fear. You want it more than anything but you’re scared to want it. You’re so scared it may never happen and that is your greatest fear. You’re scared that you’ll have held onto this dream forever and then it won’t come true. You’ve promised yourself since you were a little girl that your children would be raised differently than you, but you’re scared you won’t ever get that chance. You’re so scared that you’ll disregard the symptoms until you visit the doctor. That’s when you’ll probably find out you’re pregnant. In that moment, you’ll start to realize that it was all worth it. You’ll be so incredibly happy. When you see your baby on the ultrasound for the first time and feel your baby kick – you’ll know it was worth it. But the day of your firstborn’s birth, that’s when it will all finally sink in. On that day, you’ll realize that it was all worth it – the painful childhood, losing your dad, losing yourself and struggling for years to find yourself once more, throwing caution to the wind and not letting your fears dictate your life, going on that date with your future husband and realizing he was the one, getting married, buying a house, and admitting to yourself that you wanted all of it. When you look down at your child, you’ll realize that it was all worth it – all of it – and you’d do it all over again to end up in that moment once more.”

“Promise?” she asked barely above a whisper as the tears flowed unchecked down her face. She looked at the ground, to scared to look up. 

A hand reached down and lifted her head. “I promise, but it all starts with you.”

She nodded her head. “I’m trying. I promise I’m trying. I’m just so darn scared.”

“But you can’t let fear run your life. I know you’re scared. I know how much it hurts. I know that your mind is telling you everything that could go wrong. Have faith.”

She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.

“It’s okay to cry. You’ve earned every single one of those tears. Just remember that it starts with you and it’ll work out – I promise.”

Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

She couldn’t sleep. 

Her mind continued to drift back to him time and time again. 

Just when she thought she was finally over him, he always popped back into her life. 

A phone call. 

A text message. 

An unexpected visit. 

She rolled her eyes toward the Heavens. 

“A little help down here.”

“That’s not funny.”

“He’s going to break my heart.”

She declared lots of things to God. 

Truth is, she was never sure if she really liked him or not. 

Maybe she wanted to but didn’t know how. 

They were friends and everyone thought they should be more. 

But were they?

The subject had been danced around for years – neither one committing to making a move. 

She often felt like he was expecting too much from her. 

He wanted her to give up things she felt the need to hang onto. 

They weren’t bad habits. 

He felt she was too busy and wouldn’t have the time to commit. 

She knew that she would always make the time for anything and anyone if it was important. 

Friends tried to set her up with other people. 

“I don’t have the time,” she complained. 

“That’s never stopped you before.”

They were right. 

A lack of time had never stopped her before. 

If she wanted to date someone, she always made the time. 

However, this guy didn’t think she had the time. 

She knew she did. 

But something else nagged at her soul. 

He doesn’t support her. 

He says he wants what’s best for her but he doesn’t understand she needs to hang onto this just a while longer. 

How could she be attracted to someone if she don’t believe he would support her in anything she does?

The question rolled around her brain. 

Her cell phone buzzed. 

Another text from him. 

“A little help down here,” she begged God. 

She needed a sign. 

She needed to know what to do. 

Soon the texts would stop. 

She knew they would. 

She would find herself crying in the shower once more. 

Crying for what could have been. 

Crying for what was never meant to be. 

Crying for what she continued to allow herself to be put through. 

No, this time she wouldn’t get caught up. 

She would except the relationship for what it was, even if she didn’t know what it was. 

What happens when she lets go?

She’s scared she’ll never find the one. 

There’s not enough time to find him. 

“A little help down here.”

She begged God to answer her cries. 

Show her the way. 

Lead her to where her heart belonged. 

Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

There’s an entire playlist in iTunes devoted to ‘love’ on her phone, yet she’s never been in love. 

Pinterest is filled with love quotes and engagement rings and wedding inspiration and ideas for the children she longs to have, yet she keeps this a secret. 

Her favorite shows rarely have to do with the actual show and instead involve the love story that is often secondary. 

A list of kids names in hidden in her phone and she wonders if she’ll ever get to use even one of them, if the children she longs to have will be named from the list she’s kept for years. 

She puts up a happy face for all the world to see, claiming she’s too busy to find time to settle down. 

Still, she wonders if the problem is her – perhaps she’s so uncomfortable in her own skin, that it makes everything else impossible. 

Her only goal is to live a happy life – learning to be comfortable with herself, however, she still longs for more. 

Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

And perhaps that’s what she was most scared of – admitting that she really did want it all. She wanted to fall in love and she wanted to get married and she wanted to have children with the man she loved. It’s that stuff that filled her dreams at night. But she knew that once she admitted she wanted it, she was taking a chance with her heart – a risk of admitting her dreams and fear they may never come true. And that, that is what scared her more than anything. 

Excerpts from a Book I’ll Never Write

“You don’t understand! All I did my entire childhood was watch them scream and holler at each other! What if I turn out exactly like them? What if I finally take that step and start a real relationship and it ends like that? I refuse to do that!”

He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. 

He saw the pain. 

He saw the hurt. 

He saw the uncertainty. 

He knew she wanted this just as much as he did, but he also knew it scared her to death. 

“We will never end up like your parents,” he declared to her, crossing the room to stand in front of her. 

She backed away.

“You don’t know that!”

Tears fell from her eyes. 

He stepped forward again, wiping them away. 

“I do know that.”

“How? How are you so sure? How are you always so sure?”

“Because I know you. You are the kindest, most loving person I have ever met. You are patient and would never hurt anyone. You care deeper than anyone I know. And I know me. I know that I love you with my entire heart and I know that I would never do anything to hurt you. We will not spend the next 70 years yelling at each other. Our children will never witness the things you endured as a child. We will raise them in a loving home with two parents who love and respect each other. We will watch them grow and show them what a family is.”

Her eyes fell to the ground. 

“But I don’t know what a family is…” came her weak voice. 

Carefully, he pulled her into his arms. 

“This is a family. People who love each other. People who will always be there for each other. People who take care of each other. When someone needs help, their family is there.”

“You really think we could be a family?”

“If you want.”

“Do you promise to never abandon me?”

“I promise.”

“Good because I would never abandon you.”

He held her tight against his chest. 

This was home. 

This was family. 

This is where they belonged.